When I was younger I always felt like I was different in some way. I felt like things effected me more intensely than others but I didn’t take too much notice of it really until after my granddad past away from cancer. At this point I started to notice and feel out of place with everything and distant from people and really depressed a lot but I was always too scared to think I was strange or that there was something different about me so I just held it in and dealt with things myself.
A couple years went by and I had my ups and downs but in general I thought I was doing okay but things started to change and get worse when I moved schools I became extremely depressed and lonely I never really felt like I fitted in at my new school or belonged there. I remember calling my best friend a couple times just in tears because I hated being there because I felt so lonely and judged. I heard there were some people spreading a rumor that I had, had sex in a classroom at my old school, which was crazy and just made me feel even worse because I was trying to make an effort there and knowing that, that’s what people thought really took a toll on me.
I did eventually make some friends there and to this day those people are generally the most lovely, amazing and kind hearted people I know and I wish them still nothing but happiness, but I still unfortunately still never felt like I fitted in and was never really happy through out that time because I was dealing with an internal battle I didn’t understand and was slowly breaking me down.
I didn’t know how to deal with anything really I dealt with things in two extremes one part of me would just shut of from everyone and the other would put myself in some stupid situations that wasn’t always safe or smart. One of those stupid decisions is something that changed my life forever and leads to a very dark and depressing spiral.
One night my best friend, a couple other people and myself decided to go to a gathering, which was common, back in the day. I was going to these “gatherings” every weekend with friends and nothing bad really ever happened that often it was just harmless fun most of the time. This one ended up being one of the worst nights of my life.
After the party got shut down by the police (which is normally how they all ended) we were all walking back to the McDonalds that was just down the road to get some food and wait for our taxi home and there I ran into this guy I’d met a couple times because he knew people I was friends with so I said hey and he asked me to sit with him and his friends and have a quick chat so I said okay and we were all just talking and it was harmless at first but than they started making sexual jokes towards me and I thought they were joking so I just brushed it off but they kept making them and I was starting to feel uncomfortable and wanted to leave but they kept saying no, no stay, stay and then the main guy said “ hey, wanna go to the toilets?” I thought he was joking around and I replied “no what the fuck” but his mate and him kept saying why not? Come one you came and sat with us. I kept saying no and it somehow got to the point where he opened up his bag and showed a small black box it looked kind of like a tool box, I asked him what’s that and then he opened it up, he had a small hand gun, I had no idea how he had it but then he looked me dead in the eyes and said go to the toilets and wait for me in there or I’ll shoot each one of your friends in the head and I was so scared because I realized he wasn’t joking and that this was serious I was scared I didn’t want to go but I didn’t want him to hurt my friends so I did what he said and I went to the disabled toilets and they sexually assaulted me. I remember after it happen feeling like I couldn’t move I was in shock but after some time I got up and went back to my friends and had to pretend like nothing happened. I was still in shock; it didn’t feel real.
After that night I didn’t say anything to anyone for a long time I was scared and didn’t want to deal with it or anything anymore I fell into a deep depression and was struggling to get through day-to-day life.I started taking my anger out on people that didn’t deserve it because I didn’t want to deal with anything and I’d lashing out instead.
I begun pushing people away and gave up on school and started skipping because I just couldn’t deal with it and I started drinking and taking pain killers because I just wanted the pain inside me to just be numb and when they wouldn’t work I would cut myself. I was in this dark spiral of depression for a couple months and ended up dropping out of school and by this point insolated myself from most people until one day I don’t know why but I decided to tell my nana what happened and she told my mum and I finally opened up about what happened and I felt like this massive weight had been lifted off me and the darkness was starting to finally clear.
I got help from psychologist and a therapist who informed me that I have depression, anxiety and boarder line personality disorder and started to take medication to help and seeing people to help me deal with what had happened and things started to really improve I started feeling happy again and wanting to socialize with friends and family again and everything in my life started to get back on track finally after months.
From that point things did improve dramatically for sometime through help and support from family and professionals. Yes there was and are more battles I’ve faced and are facing and I will one day share those but for the moment though this has been an extremely hard thing to write and share with the world.
I just want to let everyone know this isn’t one of those things trying to gain sympathy or make people feel bad for me or exploit mental health this is real this is really how I felt and went through. I decided to share this personal information to hopefully help someone struggling with depression, anxiety, boarder line personality disorder and someone who has been through sexual assault or knows someone who has as a way to let you know you are not alone and I want you to know there is support out here and don’t keep silent if your suffering, please talk to someone, if it’s someone you trust within your life or if it’s a professional, please talk to someone and they can help you find the help you need so you can live a happy for filling life.
So if you are or have been through something like this I really hope you know you are not alone. You are amazing and special and I hope you find the help you need and don’t give up. You can get through this; I believe in you, things can get better trust me.
Sending my love and support,
lots of love Keish xo